Principles of happy marriage

 How to avoid quarrels, to learn to work with the relations, to invest really and to come to understanding with the partner? A large number of families already got used to live in constant problems, examinations and ""grindings in"". Always it is possible to influence a situation, the main thing is to want and work on it really.

John Gottman, professor of psychology in the University of Washington, in the recent book "7 principles of happy marriage? or the Emotional intelligence in love" distinguishes the main points for which the people who are in the relations, and those who only plan to get married have to strive.

Just present that all life it is necessary to find out problems, to swear, suffer boycotts. Someone considers that it "that's nothing unusual", but is not present, it is not a normal situation: always it is possible to seek for understanding, to work on the relations. Only desire has to go on both sides.

Why some couples live "in perfect harmony", and others cannot hold on in the relations and five years?

1 principle:

Original interest in the elect's life

·         At the beginning of the relations it is normal to be interested in the partner, to recognize him, to reveal that to it to liking where it is possible to meet: common interests and aspirations. But after years often it happens so that partners begin to be interested less with each other. Can affect it as well as the fallen-down problems, and simply: "And I and so know everything about it why to me to climb again?". Subsequently inattention the friend at the friend alienates people and if one is interested, and another ceases, then here can be that the first will begin to suffer from a lack of love and attention at all will begin to think of leaving.

·         The same also concerns children: parents have to be interested in their life, it is normal. Escort of children on their ways of growing, the help, interest — what fastens communication on for the rest of the life.

·         Gottman also gives advice — creation of the card of love on which it is necessary to apply the trifles important or pleasant for the partner. Learn a half and its values, amusing trifles since throughout all life they change, added new. This practice will bring together partners.

2 principle

Attention to trifles or existence of the general hobbies

·         Music, dances, lessons of creation of ware from clay are a hobby, pastime which can brighten up evening, add new paints, recognize the partner from the unusual party. But 3 times a week are not obligatory to go to a circle of the ballet or singing together, there will be an attention to trifles, care enough.

·         The partner loves sweet? "And I will bring it today chocolate which he so wanted to buy yesterday in shop, but changed the mind". "He so is tired at work recently, it is so much deadlines … And I to him will make favourite tea with mint and I will suggest to take in the evening a bath". All these trifles on both sides fill the relations, fastening them.

3 principle

Tenderness

·         Not on holidays, not only for the fact that the spouse made a dinner to clap her on a back. Just without the reason it is necessary to put to the base of the relations respect with tenderness, sincere compliments, small gifts. Why the choice fell on this person? Tell it about it, about merits.

·         Men need support just as also to women, just often they do not speak to us about it.

4 principle

In the relations there should not be a main thing and the subordinate

·         Often it happens so that the predominating role in family is occupied by 1 person and considers that it is possible to give orders to the partner and if that does not execute them, then it will be obliged to improve. No - both are equal.

·         It is necessary to listen to the elect, to try to go on compromises to a certain measure if it does not mention own borders.

·         You learn to tell, share feelings, to men it is very important too since many got used to keep everything in themselves. To anything good the closeness will not lead.

·         You are going to make the important decision? Consult to the partner, hear his opinion. You do not feel emotion of the person, but you understand that something not so — ask.

5 principle

Discussion of problems is correct

·         Always there are shortcomings, everywhere, not to avoid them, but it is possible to smooth. Gottman investigated a method which allows to predict future of marriage. Any dispute conducts to a solution or parting. In any dispute there are signs foretelling parting. The first — aggression at the beginning of the conversation. It is worth making a pause and will calm down. The second — contempt. Insults of the personality as the worst sign. It is necessary to express the relation to a problem, but not to the personality. In the relations 2 persons go together against a problem, but not against each other.

·         The third and fourth signs are a protective reaction and a wall. The wall is usually chosen by men to leave from the conflict, but this wall can just do the bigger harm to the relations unlike loud shouts.

·         It is necessary to speak even if it is loud, but find out the problems, hear not only yourself, but also put yourself to the place of the partner. Explain the emotions.

The 6 and 7 principles 

Adoption of differences between partners

·         Yes, 2 identical persons will never meet. It is normal, but it is necessary to recognize it. If it is plus in the person more if minuses do not strain before shout in soul, then everything is good. Marriage has to promote achievement of needs of both people, but not disturb them.

·         If you feel that you do everything in "some gate", trying, iznemozhdy yourself, and other person only accepts and still manages to manipulate — analyze and what will be all life to live so? And whether it is correct for the relations and subjective internal state?

·         Suffering and fight — not norm.

Remember that everything has to be mutual and sincere, yours faithfully - only then it is possible to speak about the strong, interested relations with the good base.

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